The Seeker

A Meta-Cognitive Journal About Writing… Plus Other Stuff

Ozzie Guillen Secretly Developing New Pitches

with one comment

(These Onion-style pieces are quickly becoming a guilty pleasure…  ~ Jeff)

Ozzie Guillen Secretly Developing New Pitches

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen revealed today that he and his pitchign coaches have spent considerable time early this season inventing new pitches to foil opponents.  “They should be ready for the pennant race,” Guillen disclosed, assuming his 11-20 club will be part of the playoff picture come August.

Guillen credits announcer and former major-league catcher Tim McCarver for giving him the idea during McCarver’s yearly World Series broadcasts.  Guillen referred to McCarver as, “…genius.  He take a slider and a curve and call it ‘Slurve.’  Pitchers use it and strike out batters.”  Guillen went on to say that most of his top-secret pitches come from putting names of pitches together with names of other pitches, noting, “We got spit-finger fastball and changespit.”

It has been difficult for some players to adjust to Guillen’s unconventional methods.  Long-time White Sox backstop A.J. Pierzynski expressed frustration with the elaborate signalling processes Guillen mandates for the new pitches.  “When we played Kansas City a few weeks ago, (second base umpire) Bob Davidson said it looked like I was jerking off when I wanted (Gavin) Floyd to throw the split-finger changeup.”

Pitcher Mark Buerhle is skeptical about Guillen’s intentions.  “I don’t know why he’s messing with my fastball,” the staff ace reported, shaking his head.  “He has me tweaking it so it corkscrews and flutters.”

Guillen responded, “Now I not get fined when I call for Fuckleball.”

Written by seeker70

May 3, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. I’m liking these shorts. This one gave a good laugh.

    Andrew Burd

    May 14, 2011 at 7:07 pm

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