The Seeker

A Meta-Cognitive Journal About Writing… Plus Other Stuff

Thesis Blues pt. 13

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Let me get this out of the way right now: The only reason I’m blogging is to get myself warmed-up for a night of writing. And I haven’t blogged for three weeks. That, and I feel some strange sense of loyalty to the nice people who follow this blog. That means you, Stacy Mittel-Wisnewski. Remember that time you came to my play, and I pointed you out in the audience? It’s hard to believe that was 7 years ago.

I am of two minds with my thesis. One is that I’m not going to finish it on time. I have about 6, maybe 7, weeks, and it seems like there’s too much left to do. Each time I meet with Sandi, I have a little panic attack and feel like I need to pop some Klonopin. It’s not her; it’s me. She finds a lot for me to work on– all good stuff. So I work on it. Then I work on whatever parts she didn’t look at when we met, send them to her, and we talk about those next time. Anyhow… we met Monday afternoon. She had the first half of the piece, had a ton of stuff for me to consider and rework, but noted that it’s in pretty good shape. Yay for me. It just feels like I have more to do in the next 2 months than I can get done.

But my other mind says it’s almost in the bag. I’ve done so much, and come so far, that all I need to do is focus hard for the next 6-7 weeks, and it will all come together. Then I can submit it, graduate, and throw a big party for my Master of Creative Writing degree and my 39th birthday at the same time. June 20. Mark your calendar. Not only that, but I’ll submit the manuscript to a few places, and they’ll fight over who gets to publish it. Then I’ll take some time off (like a year or two….) before getting into the doctoral program for creative writing at UW-Milwaukee. And they’ll take me. I went to Northwestern. I wrote a published piece of literary journalism about Mensa. I wrote an experimental piece about learning how to hit a baseball that is simply brilliant. They’ll take me despite the broken arm I have sustained from patting myself so vigorously on the back.

I say “all I need to do is focus hard for the next 6-7 weeks…” like it’s just as easy to do as it is to say it. It’s not. I’m already focused about as tight as I can be. Any tighter, and I might break my focusing devices. But who knows? Maybe this is only what I think my focus threshold is. Maybe I need to break it and go so far beyond what I thought it was that I find the true meaning behind what it means to be focused and dedicated. That happened once before, in the very play I mentioned that my friend Stacy came to see 7 years ago. I thought I knew what it meant to be exhausted, until I worked on that play. I shattered my previous threshold of exhaustion, and the areas to be discovered beyond it were full of wisdom and understanding the likes of which I had never known. The play changed me significantly because of that. It feels like this thesis is doing the same thing. It already has, and it has not yet released me from its jaws.

Written by seeker70

February 25, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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