The Seeker

A Meta-Cognitive Journal About Writing… Plus Other Stuff

Thesis Blues pt. 9

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It’s been an unusual day.

I had big plans today to speed down to Lincolnshire and camp out at Barnes and Noble or Panera, and then write my ass off until late afternoon when I was going to take in Gran Torino and then watch some football at a sports bar in Libertyville.

All those things happened, but not quite as I expected. I’m at Caribou Coffee in Libertyville right now. It’s after 10PM.

First, I couldn’t speed anywhere because of the horrible road conditions amidst the 12″+ of snow we’ve had since yesterday morning. There must be some contest between Lake County villages to see who can hold out the longest on plowing. The roads sucked. It took me a long time to get to Lincolnshire in the first place, and then I came to find out that Barnes and Noble charges for their wifi access. I thought pay-per-surf went the way of the dinosaurs for public places like coffee shops, but I was wrong. So I slid over to Panera and set up shop. Except that it took me an insanely long amount of time to get focused on the writing (even though it was all set up for me by my work last Sunday). I got twined around email, online music, text messages, and a bowl of soup. This is nothing unusual; I usually use all that stuff on purpose to hone my focus (somehow I can do that… get focused and write efficaciously with all the distractions… it’s odd; I can’t explain it). But it wasn’t working for me today.

Before I knew it, I was looking at the clock: 4:30. My heart sunk; I was finally in flow and writing some good stuff– some instinctual, deep, well-structured stuff. I checked the movie schedule, and couldn’t have gotten to Gran Torino at a reasonable time to still see some of the football game. So I split, watched the film, and went to watch the game. The game sucked, so I thought since I have everything with me, I might as well hike down the street and re-establish myself. So I’m sitting in a coffee shop late on a Saturday trying to write. I got some decent stuff done, but wished I had gotten it done earlier.

I’ve been thinking lately about the toll this writing program has taken on me. I knew it would be staggering financially, and I’ve gotten through that like a champ. But what I didn’t know was that I would want to do my homework. I would want to work for hours on the weekends and whenever I could after school to write, rewrite, research, rewrite, write again, read, process, analyze, and rewrite. I didn’t know I would find such meaning and joy in it, so much so that it’s all I’ve wanted to do for weeks on end. So much so that I’ve forced myself to leave my laptop at home when I’ve visited family. So much so that I worked on 5 different pieces of writing on my flight to Los Angeles 2 weeks ago.

I think about whether or not relationships would have gone differently if I wasn’t so involved in all this. I think about whether or not I’ve intentionally excluded myself from something very meaningful over the last 4 years because I was involved in the program… events with friends, trips I could have taken, or even sitting around the house and doing next to nothing with or without company. I think about what my condo would look like right now if I hadn’t poured money into tuition instead of home repair and decoration.

Everything comes at a cost. I guess I’m not minding the cost of this so much. I’m happy. I’m a helluva lot smarter and a much better teacher from when I began.

I will have spent a year of my life writing this thesis when it is all said and done.

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Written by seeker70

January 11, 2009 at 4:16 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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